i cheat :(

Ok ok, I admit I did it. I know I shouldn't do it but I couldn't help not to. I'm so curious!

Although I promise to myself that I will not do it, still, I found myself doing it. And it's frustrating. :(

Haay, sometimes I wonder what kind of person I am. 

Anyway, I should now continue to read book two. Coz I read the last chapter of fifty shades of freed - and it's cheating!  ^___^

...

..

.

Looking outside the window of the bus, I saw them. Realization hits me. No matter how close the person is, there is still gap between the two of you. And you were left but to admire from afar. Thinking of possibilities. Wishing for the impossible. Dreaming for uncertainty. In any case, I should say, wake up and live for reality. Sad but real. But hope is still alive.

definitely not my day

I just finished reading "fifty shades of grey". Jesus, it's really an erotic novel. I wonder how Cathy manages to read it coz I wouldn't recommend it to a virgin person to read. It's so surreal for me, or so I think.

Well back to reality, this probably my worst day of this month. First of all, my day started me feeling so shitty in the morning. I dunno what happened to me. This cycle never happened to me before. Delayed yes but not twice a month. Maybe because of the medicine I took? But I did take it before and nothing happened to me. Is it because I've been drinking like hell every week and sometimes drinking a little bit during weekdays so I can sleep at night? Or am just too stressed over so many things? Or because I don't eat properly at night, only eating shitty foods?

Seriously, I don't know. And my sense of smell today is incredibly sensitive that I almost vomit when I smelled the perfume in the locker room. And unbelievable cramps I had for the whole day.

And to make my day worst, my manager literally dump my idea of having a vacation on December. Just when I so decided to celebrate Christmas and New Year with my family, he shattered my dreams into small, tiny pieces. In broad daylight, heard by everyone. -___-

So right now, instead of enjoying my precious Thursday night, am stuck in the flat. Just lying in the bed listening to hardcore rock music. I still have cramps and it's driving me crazy.

I wonder why nobody sends me messages anymore. Have they forgotten my roaming number? I'm sure my number is not yet expired coz I still have credits left there. :( 

Tomorrow is Big Papa's advance birthday celebration. I originally planned to visit Anna and Gab first but now I'm not sure. It depends on my health condition. If am feeling ok by tomorrow, then I will decide what to do. Too bad I cannot drink much at the party. Actually, in my state I should not drink tomorrow. Because this is not normal. And it's freaking the hell out of me.

Right now I want to be beside my mama, eating her cooking and listening to her stories. :(

finally

I'm finally come to my senses. I just hope I can stay firmly on my decision. Coz no matter how I deny it, the fact that it's already been done, I cannot change it. So all I have to do is to move on. After all, I know that it won't last. We talked about it from the start. We just had "fun". If this will continue, I know that in the end that I'm the one who will be the loser.

Back to reality, I still haven't fixed my things / move some things to the other wardrobe. It's not that I'm lazy, I had to do laundry for the whole day which unfortunately I didn't finish, wtf!

I planned to cook spaghetti today but when I tried to order the ingredients coz I only have pasta on my cupboard, they don't have spaghetti sauce. So what's the use? I cancelled my other order and ate Cathy's cooking instead. What a bummer!

I moved my bed to the far side of my room. But I'm still thinking if it's a good idea. Anyway, I can always move the bed whenever I wanted it.

I spent my two days off at Jackie's place in Abu Dhabi. Didn't do anything aside from eating and drinking. And the funny and scariest thing that happened to me yesterday was to ride in a complete strangers car! I dunno what made me decide to do it, maybe I just really wanted to go home. Good thing that kuya is a good guy. And I think he likes Jackie coz he's quite disappointed when he found out that I'm the only one whom he needs to drop off to the bus station and he keeps on asking me things about her, haha.

Honestly, I got really nervous so I was praying all along while I keep on chatting with him. And when he finally dropped me off to the terminal, I literally run to buy the ticket, haha.

Anyway, I got home safe and sound. Am so thankful with papa god for guiding and keeping me safe all along.

Found some old pics and I noticed how much I gain weight! Am so fat now, haist. Really need to trim down and cut those calories.

Btw, I just noticed on facebook that a lot of people were going to Tbilisi, Georgia. Hmm...

that awkward moment...

That awkward moment when you:

• realize that your phone became so silent 
• saw those old small notes in your things while you're actually trying to find some old files
• try to delete those old photos but then memories rushed in your mind and you got confused whether to delete it or not
• want to say something but couldn't bear to do it
• want to look in the eyes but you're scared that that person may see something in your eyes instead
• look into other people's profile and saw this heart warming video and started to cry like crazy
• have free international calls credit but cannot use it for unknown reason
• want to go on diet but got home and prepare some food only to realize that you cooked a lot
• burned fried eggs
• forgot the rest of the things you wanted to write because someone / something bugged you

blah blah...

Someday if I'm lucky to have a child, I will name him "Ethan".

Before I always thought it will be "Vincent" or "Chester", but I dismiss the last one due to some personal reason. I don't want my future son to have the same name as my ex-boyfriend.

Currently I haven't thought of any name for a baby girl. Maybe because I fancy more to have a baby boy?

Ohh... What am I thinking?

How come am thinking of having a child when I don't think of having a husband? Not that I wanted a child out of marriage, it's just the thought suddenly popped in my head.

Or maybe I saw the movie "Mission Impossible" the other day?

Or I just read too much weddings?

Or am just emotional unstable right now?

I think this is the effect of too much alcohol in my system. Geez...

Told you, I will avoid temptation from now on.

 Now am getting depress again.  -___-

cry baby

Well, am still trying to act and think ok.

Lately, with all these happenings in my life, I couldn't help not to be a crybaby. I cry for simple things. Or for the slightest feeling.

Everytime I think about it, I get so depress. You don't what kind of facade I need to put on everyday so nobody will know about it. But deep inside, it's like hell.

I was not raised properly by my parents to behave like this. But I can't help it.

I feel so guilty. Too guilty I don't know what to do.

First time is a mistake. Second time is a misunderstanding. Third time is no longer a mistake but a choice.

I already told myself that I will refrain from writing whining or depressing posts but I can't help it.

I'm in a stage where I'm so confused and guilty over so many things and I don't have any outlet. I told myself what the hell if people will see my blog and saw that many of my posts are so negative they will never visit again. So what? I don't care anymore.

Yesterday I almost break down but luckily I was able to hold myself. I feel so guilty I said sorry to him.

Apparently my flatmates found out about my so called promotion I got no choice but to treat them. Then Cathy gave me 2 big cans of redhorse in which am currently drinking that last can. I shouldn't be drinking at this stage but I can't help not to. 

I just wanted to forget and sleep peacefully even for this night.

I'm in so much dilemma. Worst was that I cannot tell it to anybody. And it's freaking hard. I'm crying my heart out but I can't tell it to anyone. 

But I can do this.  I'm strong. I can do this.