today - updated

As much as I hate to admit, but I tend to lash out when am mad. And I can't help not to do it otherwise I'll go crazy.

I sort of sometimes wanted some attention and affection (ksp lang ang peg) but most of the time, people misinterpret it and totally left me alone. The exact opposite of what am expecting. And too bad am not that good in expressing myself.

Sometimes I wonder when did I become so slow to know things. Am I really slow or I just don't care to look into details?

I remember when I was a kid, my mom bought us coin banks. I like the one given to my sister so I asked her to exchange it with me. She doesn't want to and I went berseck and I lash out on everything. When my mom found out about it, she destroyed my coin bank (in which now that I think of it, it is much cuter than hers coz it's more like a glass in violet color) and I was left with nothing. That was the first time I learned how to value what was given to me no matter what it is and be contented with it. 

Hmmm... The other other night am so so mad I was supposed to throw momo in the garbage chute. I was about to open the chute when I looked into him and suddenly remembered how happy I am when I first have him. And looking closely, I saw that he was all dusty and dirty. How he got ignored for so long, I dunno exactly. Tears welled up in my eye and I felt stupid standing there with tears in my eyes and a bear in my hand. In the end, I couldn't do it. Eventhough a lot of people saying he looked scary coz he's black, I still love him. This is an exemption in my lash out moments.

Today... I spent my whole day splurging my precious money. It was way too late when I realized I shoudn't do that. I should be saving for my vacation. But I'm way too stressed over so many things I dunno know whats the right outlet to release it.

I'm losing my appetite and my allergies are coming out like crazy. Very good timing, just when I was about to go for vacation that I had this irritating allergies on my body. Grrrr...

Bought this pineapple orchid scent that makes my room smells yummy. I don't eat pineapple yet I like the smell. 

Saw this very cute romper but is way too expensive and out of my budget. And because I bought a gift set perfume, I kinda regret not buying the romper instead of perfume. :(

Hope wen can finalize our flight. Fingers crossed.

Since my mind is on somewhere else, I bought the wrong date for our flight. After paying and everything, I found out that it's a day earlier than our original plan. I want to slam my head on the wall. And if am going to change the dates, I have to pay almost quarter of the original amount that I paid. Good thing Blesie was able to get a new booking for our hotel and I just adjusted the dates on my side.

Haay... Such stupidity is unacceptable. What the hell is happening to me?

dilemma

In serious trouble finding flights :(

We already found our hotels, thanks to Blesie's boss coz he was kind enough to look for us for the last missing one. And I already cancelled all the unnecessary ones.

Problem is, am not familiar with the cities and airports nearby. I think my talent in searching stuff is long gone as my patience is running out now!

Help... somebody help me...

We're actually don't have enough time now as this trip is next week already. We only have few days to finalize this.

And now I only realized that after this long trip, I will have 4-5 free extra days as we will be back on 18Jun13 early morning. So what am I suppose to do with my free days? OMG! I don't want to think that I will be trapped in the flat that long coz am sure am already broke to go out. Waaaaa... Somebody please adopt me or good enough to accompany me during these days. Such a waste! I suddenly missed those days when I can ask someone to accompany me.

And I'm feeling so sleepy now just when I needed to do a lot of research. :(

....

On the other note, went to Jackie's birthday dinner last night. Such a nostalgic place to visit. Funny thing, a guy (I totally forgot who he is) told me how come he didn't see me for such a long time. Just told him that I already resigned long ago. Ahaha..

Now I feel guilty for my gift to Jackie coz I really don't have time to buy some present plus am in a saving mode (so I can't spend my money right now). That gift is actually for someone I told that I will give plus the other souvenir I bought but ends up not giving it for various reasons. I was actually surprised to see it in my drawer in the office coz I thought the last one in my flat is the one I save for him but turns out I brought the other box to the office in case I see him before. But since things turned out ugly, better not to waste it. Hmmm... Well, it's a life saver. Instant gift. Aheh.

My so called diet was so mess up coz there's always something coming up to spoil it. Today they announce the lateral move of Prishy so we have a chocolate mini party. I ate so much chocolate (actually it's not that much but since am in a diet, it's already too much) and actually hid some more in my drawer for tomorrow. PG lang ang peg, hahaha...

weekend

I guess am not going to buy nor eat that noodles again. Coz it's a very lonely noodle.

You see, since I foresee that my evening will be as boring as hell, I decided to pass by at hyperpanda to buy some food to eat. When I got to the noodles section, I saw a lot of new flavours I wasn't able to control myself I took a lot. Now I can survive in two weeks with my ninja food!

But this chow mien was a meh! It makes me sad I can't help my tears not to fall from my eyes.

Recently my weekends are becoming boring as hell. Most of my friends are busy with something else they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Haayz... I called several people today but either they were busy with other things or they don't want to go out at all. And I really super hate to force someone coz I hate begging somebody else time. And when I feel rejected, I'll never ever ask again for the same reason.

Actually, if I really wanted to, I can still ask other people to go out with me. But the problem is, they need to have super long patience and jolly attitude as I tend to shut up for a long time. Especially nowadays. So if they don't know me, we will end up not talking to each other for the whole time.

I really really hate staying in the flat during my off. It's like a prison for me. And it sucks out my energy.

Back to the grocery, I was roaming around not knowing what exactly what I wanted to buy. I saw bitter gourds and was about to buy them when I remember that I don't have any pork to partner with it. And saw some squids but I don't know how to cook them. Coz aside from being lazy, am not really a good cook. And that sucks!

Okay, as much as I hate to admit it, I do miss it when somebody else is cooking for me. Now all am eating is canned foods or my ninja foods. Meh!

But I bought a lot of sweets and chips that will keep me company in the nights. As you can see, even if am in a diet (which I cheated again tonight), I can't sleep at night if I didn't eat a bag of chips or chocolates.

I opened my closet to get something when suddenly most of my clothes fell on the floor. Great! Now everything's in a rumble. No wonder I can't find most of my shirts, I think it was buried somewhere in my closet. But am too lazy to sort and fold them. Such a troublesome work.

I suddenly remembered last night how I end up laughing my ass off coz of the latest manga chapter of Naruto. It's super bitin. But I really got excited for team 7. Hmmm... I want to write a letter to Masashi Kishimoto to write and release the new chapter as soon as possible as my anxiety is now on it's boiling point. Weee...

Anyway, so much for now. Need to get back watching some old series.

Tata for now!

I realize the screaming pain
Hearing loud in my brain
But I'm going straight ahead with the scar...

                                        ~ sign by flow ~

what's up

A lot of people were asking me what's happening to me nowadays. Not that there's something new to me, but I guess they were wondering that I do kind of acting weird.

Okay, okay. I have to admit now. I'm sort of in a strict diet. 

I was able to restrain myself not to eat rice for four days. Unfortunately, my body gave up and I pig out with rice dinner tonight. Big time!

Eversince I got the visa, I was decided to lose weight, in any possible means. 

But to my grimace, nothing's happening. 

On the other side, I'm improving my water intake. Nowadays, am drinking atleast 7 glasses of water! What an accomplishment.

But my sleeping habit became worser than before. I really can't sleep at night. I even moved my bed location to get a different vibe but to no avail.

So I normally have to wake up late and run to the bus. I always have 20-25 minutes only in the morning to freshen up. So people, now you understand why am barely awake in morning and try not to get in my way otherwise you will be the victim of my fury, hah!

Seriously, my body is just moving automatically in the morning that sometimes I'll just realize am already in the hotel ready to start my work. 

I don't even remember how long I took my shower or how many sprays of perfume I had before running to the bus.

And worst, most of the time I don't recognize the faces of the people I see in the morning especially in the lift. No wonder a lot of them think am such a snob. But am not! Am just a sleepyhead.

Uh oh... I think I over ate again and am feeling numb. Waaaaaa....

the vacation application drama

For the past week, I've been in such a grumpy mood due to my vacation. First, I can't decide last week whether to submit my vacation application or wait for a few days since I still don't have the result. But since I have a backup plan, I decided to apply for a month. Only to be rejected by my manager.

I was sort of disappointed back then coz I'm thinking that if my plan a fails, my plan b will be in trouble. And it was on our vacation plan before that if I will not take May-Jun vacation, I'll take the whole month of June (which I think everybody forgot about that deal). I willingly let go of the idea of going the second half of May because of work reasons. Then to my grimace, my June vacation falls on the same time as my manager (!) and he asks me if I can cut it short from 30 days to 17 days so I'll be in the office for month end. Since I can feel that my plan a will work, I said okay. But actually, am not happy with that idea coz I felt it's unfair if I'm really truly going home. After that discussion, I pulled out my form as I need to revise it but didn't submit it on  the same day even if he was asking for it. He went to my table and asked if I'm okay and if am okay with it. Well, I just say yes and didn't say anything afterwards.

Two days later, I received my passport. Voila! I got the visa already. I got so excited but I still need to wait until Blesie and Rhyan will get theirs as well. That time, I passed my revised leave application form and this time it's only two weeks. He was surprised to see that I changed the date and asked why. I said I changed my mind about going home.

Afternoon he approached me again and asked out of curiosity whats happening. I sort of lost a little bit of my temper and I told him that with 17 days is unacceptable, it's not enough to go home. Travelling back and forth already counts as 2 days and considering the airfare and everything, it's not enough. He agreed to my reasoning and promised me that next time, he will approved my one month vacation.

This morning, brother in law was chatting with me about vacation. I thought they were just still planning about it. Then it turned out that they already bought the ticket for October. I was like "wtf!?!?". I mean, I want to see them. It's been 7 years since the last time I saw them. The whole time I can't focus on my work and I keep on thinking about October vacay. So after lunch, I made up my mind and approach him. I asked if it's possible for me to have a short vacay on Oct but it overlap Sandra's vacay for a week (my fingers were crossed that time). I can tell that he's in a bad mood that moment but I still tried my luck. He was quite upset with me for the reason that he made it a rule before that no two people should take vacation on the same (but always ends up having two staff getting the same vacay). He said no and he said if I want November or December, he will give it to me. At that moment, I got sort of emotional so I said no and turned my back on him. I think he saw my disppointment and he said fine and hand him my form and he will sign it. I just nod and took my toothbrush kit and head to toilet as tears were now forming in my eyes.I know he have a point but still, it's in the middle of the month, there are other people in our section. When I'm in that state, I can't think properly. All the reasonings became blurred to me. So in short, I sort of cried in the toilet coz I felt it's so unfair. I feel like he doesn't want me to go to vacation. Last year he only allowed me three weeks! Geez...

I think I spent too much time in the toilet coz I waited till my eyes turned back to normal. Right after I came back to my table, I saw his email telling me to pass my vacation as he will schedule now all the vacation for 2013. So I spoke with Sandra and asked her if she can move her leave in September so on October, ours will not overlap. She made a new form (although the first one was already signed) and I hand it over to him together with mine. Well, in the end he sign my vacation. And I couldn't get any happier than that.

Right now, am getting more excited for my October vacation than my June vacation. 

...

Friday and I'm in the office. Can you imagine that? My precious friday, my long awaited off, yet am in the office doing some work I wasn't able to do yesterday.

And now the day's already finish. Such a waste.

I super duper hate going to the office during my off days. It pisses me off to no end.

Yet, I still do sometimes when I want to finish something. I mean, this habit is very unhealthy. But things will be different as soon as Erlyn's back. I can breath.

Lately I've been in a very very bad mood for no particular reason. Haay...

Anyway, am so anxious to know the results. Coz I couldn't decide what to do unless I got it. 

Am torn between my two decisions. And time is running out.

Seriously, I wanted to go home. For vacation or for good, that is.

Though there are times that I still enjoy the freedom of being alone and single, there also moments when I feel vulnerable for being one.

I mean, I don't have a problem being a single. Actually, I love it. Single in a sense of not having a partner.

But being alone is different. Having away from my family and close friends have so many impacts to me. I'm not a natural loner. I tend to go berseck out of boredom if am alone. And I tend to do a lot of foolish things.

I miss my family. I miss Jimi. I wish I can still hug him when I come home for vacation.

And worst is that I'm beginning to lose interest (again) in my work. The "secret" effect didn't last that long. 

But am too lazy to look for a new job. And the crazy thing is that I'm thinking of starting to look some openings back home. I feel like I want to spend more time with my mom and pop.

Pffffftttt....