the vacation application drama

For the past week, I've been in such a grumpy mood due to my vacation. First, I can't decide last week whether to submit my vacation application or wait for a few days since I still don't have the result. But since I have a backup plan, I decided to apply for a month. Only to be rejected by my manager.

I was sort of disappointed back then coz I'm thinking that if my plan a fails, my plan b will be in trouble. And it was on our vacation plan before that if I will not take May-Jun vacation, I'll take the whole month of June (which I think everybody forgot about that deal). I willingly let go of the idea of going the second half of May because of work reasons. Then to my grimace, my June vacation falls on the same time as my manager (!) and he asks me if I can cut it short from 30 days to 17 days so I'll be in the office for month end. Since I can feel that my plan a will work, I said okay. But actually, am not happy with that idea coz I felt it's unfair if I'm really truly going home. After that discussion, I pulled out my form as I need to revise it but didn't submit it on  the same day even if he was asking for it. He went to my table and asked if I'm okay and if am okay with it. Well, I just say yes and didn't say anything afterwards.

Two days later, I received my passport. Voila! I got the visa already. I got so excited but I still need to wait until Blesie and Rhyan will get theirs as well. That time, I passed my revised leave application form and this time it's only two weeks. He was surprised to see that I changed the date and asked why. I said I changed my mind about going home.

Afternoon he approached me again and asked out of curiosity whats happening. I sort of lost a little bit of my temper and I told him that with 17 days is unacceptable, it's not enough to go home. Travelling back and forth already counts as 2 days and considering the airfare and everything, it's not enough. He agreed to my reasoning and promised me that next time, he will approved my one month vacation.

This morning, brother in law was chatting with me about vacation. I thought they were just still planning about it. Then it turned out that they already bought the ticket for October. I was like "wtf!?!?". I mean, I want to see them. It's been 7 years since the last time I saw them. The whole time I can't focus on my work and I keep on thinking about October vacay. So after lunch, I made up my mind and approach him. I asked if it's possible for me to have a short vacay on Oct but it overlap Sandra's vacay for a week (my fingers were crossed that time). I can tell that he's in a bad mood that moment but I still tried my luck. He was quite upset with me for the reason that he made it a rule before that no two people should take vacation on the same (but always ends up having two staff getting the same vacay). He said no and he said if I want November or December, he will give it to me. At that moment, I got sort of emotional so I said no and turned my back on him. I think he saw my disppointment and he said fine and hand him my form and he will sign it. I just nod and took my toothbrush kit and head to toilet as tears were now forming in my eyes.I know he have a point but still, it's in the middle of the month, there are other people in our section. When I'm in that state, I can't think properly. All the reasonings became blurred to me. So in short, I sort of cried in the toilet coz I felt it's so unfair. I feel like he doesn't want me to go to vacation. Last year he only allowed me three weeks! Geez...

I think I spent too much time in the toilet coz I waited till my eyes turned back to normal. Right after I came back to my table, I saw his email telling me to pass my vacation as he will schedule now all the vacation for 2013. So I spoke with Sandra and asked her if she can move her leave in September so on October, ours will not overlap. She made a new form (although the first one was already signed) and I hand it over to him together with mine. Well, in the end he sign my vacation. And I couldn't get any happier than that.

Right now, am getting more excited for my October vacation than my June vacation. 

...

Friday and I'm in the office. Can you imagine that? My precious friday, my long awaited off, yet am in the office doing some work I wasn't able to do yesterday.

And now the day's already finish. Such a waste.

I super duper hate going to the office during my off days. It pisses me off to no end.

Yet, I still do sometimes when I want to finish something. I mean, this habit is very unhealthy. But things will be different as soon as Erlyn's back. I can breath.

Lately I've been in a very very bad mood for no particular reason. Haay...

Anyway, am so anxious to know the results. Coz I couldn't decide what to do unless I got it. 

Am torn between my two decisions. And time is running out.

Seriously, I wanted to go home. For vacation or for good, that is.

Though there are times that I still enjoy the freedom of being alone and single, there also moments when I feel vulnerable for being one.

I mean, I don't have a problem being a single. Actually, I love it. Single in a sense of not having a partner.

But being alone is different. Having away from my family and close friends have so many impacts to me. I'm not a natural loner. I tend to go berseck out of boredom if am alone. And I tend to do a lot of foolish things.

I miss my family. I miss Jimi. I wish I can still hug him when I come home for vacation.

And worst is that I'm beginning to lose interest (again) in my work. The "secret" effect didn't last that long. 

But am too lazy to look for a new job. And the crazy thing is that I'm thinking of starting to look some openings back home. I feel like I want to spend more time with my mom and pop.

Pffffftttt....

I know I've been MIA for quite sometime but even I couldn't fathom the reason why. Maybe lack of inspiration to write or am just to lazy to think of any. Yet am back in whining.

It's already 11pm and I need to sleep now. But it's so hard. I hate this feeling.

Lately I feel like being away from everybody. It's this moment that I feel so stressed I don't want to see anybody nor go out of my room. Even simple chitchat doesn't interest me at all.

All I wanna do is crawl under my bedsheet and watch some Naruto Shippuden videos. Yes, am currently very addicted to it. And I seriously dunno why.

I lost my appetite. My eating habit for the past three days is terrible. No wonder am having some tummy ache today. What a bummer.

Anyway, I think that's it for my whining today.

epiphany

I've been living in a dream world. In a fantasy.

I always thought that things will go on my way. That if I wanted something so badly, even if they were not suppose to be mine, I can get it if I will work hard.

But I was wrong.

Yesterday while sitting in that table, I suddenly had an epiphany. Things became clear to me. And I cannot do anything about it anymore but to accept things as they were. 

All I need is to move on.

But how?

I already shed a lot of tears. And I told myself that time that I'll cry as much as I can because that will be the last time and I will never cry for the same reason again.

Surprisingly, tears won't fall in my eyes now, even if I feel that am hurting again because of the same reason.

I should be happy, but I'm feeling empty.