friday again...

Friday morning and I'm already mourning for something I don't know.

You see, I still can't get over about the conversation I had with my boss. Though it's somewhat a not-so-official talk, I got this mixed emotions.

I want to, of course I wanted. But I fear that I may not be able to do it like I wanted it to be. I can, I know I can if I wanted it to be. But I tend to lose my grip over something. And I know it. No matter how much I wanted not to lose something, somewhere somehow, things will not work out just like the way I wanted it to be. And begins to frustrate me.

Anyway, I think I failed them for this "big" challenge that they gave to me. Well, even my own rating is the same. At the end of the day, I always go home frustrated coz of things that didn't work out properly.

I love my manager coz he's like a father figure to us. The only reason why I enjoyed staying in this company is that he let me work the way I wanted and don't command me to do things his way.

Unlike my previous manager in my previous hotel who is a real devil but acts not like one in front of the others. He acts like he wants to support you but doing the other way around. He said "if you need help, ask me". But when you ask for one, he'll tell you that the reason you're asking for help because your incompetent and never supports in whatever you do. So how can you work properly? That's why I hated my work so much back then that I work like a bastard.

Anyway, back to the present situation, I'm so confused.

I've wanted his honest opinion and I got it. But I still want to try.

tuesday blues

I dunno what's freaking wrong today. Early in the morning, Joan almost spilled her mug full of tea on me. Lunch I accidentally mixed the salted eggs to the part of tomatoes (seeds) that I removed. And this night, I called my sister to get her account number coz I want to send the money today as exchange rate will be much lower by tomorrow. But instead of being nice to me coz am going to send money to her, she's so irritated to me coz I wake her up. Can you imagine that?

I'm in the office with my managers around but I couldn't control my temper at that moment. Well, atleast I didn't shout at her. I just cut the line and that's it. She was like a total lunatic. Well if that's what she wants. And here I was so excited when I received the text message that's salary's already credited in my account coz I'm going to send my wedding gift to her (which is by the money coz that's the most convenient gift) and all she replied to me was I'm giving her a terrible headache coz she's so sleepy. For the love of God!

Anyway, so much for being nice.

saturday night

I hate saturday night. Coz it means that I have to wake up early the next day. It's not that I don't want to work anymore but I really hate waking up early. I need to be early tomorrow coz I'm the one who's going to prepare the morning report coz Makram'n on lieu day. Damn!

I feel so lazy that I'm still sitting on the same spot since lunch. I know I know it's kinda gross but what to do?

I'm not sure  if I'm doing the right thing. Haay...

I'm planning to go on a diet again. Coz it's summer already and we need to go to the beach. Cannot tahan swimming with extra baggage on my tummies.

I still don't talk to him like we usually do. Think it's fine with him coz he's not sending any messages nor calling me. Anyway, if that's what he wants. Lately, I felt like I want to be treated being someone special again. Coz I don't feel it anymore. I just needed company. But lately I don't have anybody to go out with nor talk to with nor laugh out with.

Getting into senti mode will lead me to nothing. But I feel so lonely. Cannot tell my family that I'm not ok coz I don't want to add up with problems of my two sisters. So even though am not ok, I still need to be ok. And it's so frustrating. And sometimes a bit unfair. Why for them it's ok not to be ok  but for me it's not ok to be not ok? Haay... 

This afternoon I was chatting with my mom telling me all this problems. After hours of chatting, she seems to suddenly remember to ask about me. Just when I thought that she forgot about me. Hah! Sometimes I feel elated coz my parents were so proud of me that they thought I can handle everything by myself. Even to the extent of helping my sisters or them when they have problem. But sometimes I ask, what about me? Though sometimes they do pamper me in other things, when it comes to serious matters in life, they don't expect me to have problems that I cannot solve. Just like two years ago that I cried every night coz I wanted to go home and even wishing that I can pass my resignation without problem. But everytime I was about to bring up the subject to them, they will talk to me about their problems at home that I will lose my courage to voice out what I wanted. Hmmm...

Anyway, I hope they will be okay. I hope someday I will be able to find a job where I can get a big salary so I can support all of them. And we can put up our business, have a peaceful mind and peaceful life.

 But reality is not like that. The only real thing I can right now is that I need to be strong even at the times that I feel tired coz there are people who still need me.

friday

I'm happy when my love ones are happy, am sad when they are sad. That's me.

I'm currently so worried about my sister. And I wish it's already month end so I can send my money to them. I know that a lot of people tells me not to be too stupid in sending most of my salary to them but I cannot tahan hearing them talking like that. Haay...

Other sister also have problem. Goodness, I dunno how much I can handle right now.

Roomie already came back from vacation. And guess what we ate for breakfast? Buko pie! Super yums...

Now I'm here in the living room coz they were sleeping in the room and I don't want to disturb them. 

I wanted to go out but due to some reason, I don't want to go out alone coz I'll end up more lonely than staying in the house.

Been watching MTV since morning and I've seen a lot of Katy Perry's videos. She look good in "fireworks" mv. Luv it!

Anyway... I'm done for tonight.