saturday night

I hate saturday night. Coz it means that I have to wake up early the next day. It's not that I don't want to work anymore but I really hate waking up early. I need to be early tomorrow coz I'm the one who's going to prepare the morning report coz Makram'n on lieu day. Damn!

I feel so lazy that I'm still sitting on the same spot since lunch. I know I know it's kinda gross but what to do?

I'm not sure  if I'm doing the right thing. Haay...

I'm planning to go on a diet again. Coz it's summer already and we need to go to the beach. Cannot tahan swimming with extra baggage on my tummies.

I still don't talk to him like we usually do. Think it's fine with him coz he's not sending any messages nor calling me. Anyway, if that's what he wants. Lately, I felt like I want to be treated being someone special again. Coz I don't feel it anymore. I just needed company. But lately I don't have anybody to go out with nor talk to with nor laugh out with.

Getting into senti mode will lead me to nothing. But I feel so lonely. Cannot tell my family that I'm not ok coz I don't want to add up with problems of my two sisters. So even though am not ok, I still need to be ok. And it's so frustrating. And sometimes a bit unfair. Why for them it's ok not to be ok  but for me it's not ok to be not ok? Haay... 

This afternoon I was chatting with my mom telling me all this problems. After hours of chatting, she seems to suddenly remember to ask about me. Just when I thought that she forgot about me. Hah! Sometimes I feel elated coz my parents were so proud of me that they thought I can handle everything by myself. Even to the extent of helping my sisters or them when they have problem. But sometimes I ask, what about me? Though sometimes they do pamper me in other things, when it comes to serious matters in life, they don't expect me to have problems that I cannot solve. Just like two years ago that I cried every night coz I wanted to go home and even wishing that I can pass my resignation without problem. But everytime I was about to bring up the subject to them, they will talk to me about their problems at home that I will lose my courage to voice out what I wanted. Hmmm...

Anyway, I hope they will be okay. I hope someday I will be able to find a job where I can get a big salary so I can support all of them. And we can put up our business, have a peaceful mind and peaceful life.

 But reality is not like that. The only real thing I can right now is that I need to be strong even at the times that I feel tired coz there are people who still need me.